Friday, November 20, 2009

for women

i'm working on my paper, but brittany posted this article and i feel the need to address it.

ironically, i had made an appointment for an exam that i was running late to the day we went to the museum, and while i was on the phone rescheduling, i got that flat tire that led to the rest of the day's adventures. my appointment still stands for tuesday, but i am now questioning the extent of the services i'll ask for. i originally made an appointment for a pap, mammogram, std screening, and birth control...essentially, whatever they provide, i wanted it. as someone who believes in natural family planning and minimal medical intervention in regards to health care and treating illness and injury, my roommate asked me why on earth i was planning on hormonal birth control, and i stopped for a minute and asked myself the same question. i'm not in a relationship, i'm not sleeping with anyone, i have regular periods, and have access to condoms (thanks, PWA!). i am, however, interested in IUD's and am still considering having one put in, though the cost factor (supposedly $500+?) made me want to vomit a bit. i've stated my opinions on women in poverty and the apparant lack of access to contraception that leads to a high birth rate, and kind of scoffed at this because natural family planning is always available, though not as guaranteed as something that should eliminate the possibility of pregnancy entirely. obviously, i wasn't taking into consideration the cultural attitudes or gender roles of any given impoverished society, and that's another story; my point is that these things ARE expensive, and because i don't have $500 lying around to have an IUD put in, i'll be relying on other methods that don't prevent fertilization by altering the lining of the uterus/sperm access. here, you can read more about IUD's on planned parenthood's website.

anyway, i had been hearing on npr recently about the proposed changes to breast cancer screenings, and pushing back the age to 50 instead of 40 for routine exams. while i support less medical intervention and encourage self-awareness, i'm also torn. hpv, or abnormal cells on the cervix at the very least, is detected via pap and not self-examination. i would rather have a mammogram and/or pap (though maybe less frequently) and know rather than suffer because i opted out of medical care simply for the fact that it was medical. with most women (and men) becoming sexually active BEFORE the age of 21, like the article states as an appropriate age to begin annual exams, how would it make sense to push back the age? i do like the point that the article makes, however, about the overuse of exams and the necessity of such practices.

bottom line, i guess, is that i am torn. i would love to pass on the full exam tuesday, or at least, after having one complete exam, choosing not to do so again unless i felt i was at risk or maybe in three years. i would also like to see funding for women's health not be cut or compromised, and i feel that this is a sugarcoated way of taking money from us and putting it elsewhere in order to chip away at the government's deficit. the problem is that there is nothing to replace that money with. not better education, not any program encouraging self-examination, self-awareness, self-responsibility. women will, unfortunately, continue on with an ever-growing lack of access to proper services and we will be told that it's okay, that we're alright.

alright, i'm going back to the paper writing. for more politically charged writing on women's health, check out my friend michelle's blog. and, as always, feel free to leave your thoughts. i am by no means well-informed on these issues right now, which is kind of embarassing to admit after ranting for so long, but time is short right now and this paper is looming. spam me with links, if you have some.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

catnip lemonade

so today, i was excited to make lemonade and use the mint we've been keeping in our window.





turns out, it's actually catnip.

and yes, i drank it before bree kindly informed me that she suspected it might not be peppermint afterall.

we still have no fridge. someone is coming at 530 to look at it again. yesterday, we went to the toledo museum of art and saw the storybook stars exhibit and litgraphic. trip was cut short, the old ladies at the museum were awful (please do not remove your children from the strollers?), and on the way home we got a flat tire which then led to an adventure in the backseat of a police car tagging along on a potential arrest of an attempted murder suspect, all because i was too chicken to pee on the side of the road. we made it home, and had some really good pizza and salad, sara came over, and eventually the night was wrapped up with homework.

still deciding on shoes. wondering what to do for dinner. am tired of eating takeout and restaurants. still need warm socks.


a horribly lame post

where i show you more shoes, and say that yesterday was such an adventure that i have yet to come up with anything substantial to write, or the time to give to what i do want to write, which are answers to questions and such that i started months ago. later, it will come. its a sunny morning, and my last day with grace before the chaos of work and trying to get a research paper started and finished this weekend, all to be wrapped up with our housemates' daughter's first birthday party on sunday.

so, onto the shoes.

i will probably be getting one of these three pairs, once i can cough up the money to do so. all my shoes are worn through to the ground!

Monday, November 16, 2009

paint


slowly making dents on this house, our fridge is broken again - or, i should say, our second fridge that replaced the first broken fridge, is now broken as well. our food is living in giant coolers, and the freezer is working, so we have plenty of ice. ironic?

missed a post yesterday, was working and then celebrating grace's dad's birthday (happy baby daddy birthday!) which is today (jeff buckley's is tomorrow!)...remembering this time last year, it was snowing, and i drove out to ferndale anyway to have coffee with sara at java hutt (i think?); i think we might have been at aj's and the dollar store too. i remember the giant bag of knitting, which is actually still full of exactly the same yarn from exactly the same day, except its put away in my craft box along with the rest of my best-intentions-that-never-get-started ideas. looking back on this day, here. it was monumental, in all seriousness, it was a day that began with panic in my gut and this feeling of total chaos, quiet chaos, the deafening silence and the desperation in reckless choices - i felt like my body was cement and my heart was bloody, beating, i put my self somewhere i could feel something that felt good and choked, i choked and left and cried, at 4am, and cried some more and sobbed and then stopped. i was okay. we had a huge snow storm, it was a sunday, grace was with her dad at his parents house for his birthday and sara and i were having what, in looking back, was one of the greatest days of my life, in the most trying time. lately, i have been feeling flattened, rolled out, maybe it is the weather and the lack of cold and snow, maybe it is the finally-arrived routine and the peace that comes with getting along now. i feel nothing like i did then, it is a memory that i hold dearly, i am fond of that person and that time and would give much to know her again, to find that place where things were a little more raw. last november was holy. it was a sacred time. it was a beautiful disaster. time since then has taught me that i am happiest alone.

grace has been playing quietly for the last little bit, and treyu the black cat is sprawled across my arms as i type. i got out the acrylic paints i bought for grace this weekend and let her paint, realizing shortly after that these were not labelled "washable." oops. helping her paint a big green square on her paper made me suddenly wish for art classes, for something creative, for crocheting those cowls instead of sitting in this chair thinking about the research paper i have to write. i mostly just want to throw everything in a bag and head to the coffee shop, somehow being out of the house forces me to buckle down and work, and maybe the rare times that i was able to do this (and the more opportunities i have to do this now) are to blame for the wanderlust, the rut i am in with sanded down walls that i can't scale, i can't climb out.






Saturday, November 14, 2009

nablopomo fail.

i'm posting this now because i bet i'll be asleep by midnight, and i'm stressed enough to be wishing that i had less trivial things to stress about, even if that meant i'd have harder problems, bigger problems to take on. this is luxury, this sitting here at a table with a dear friend at the corner, sharing beers and soup and our computers back to back, this is loud and uncomfortable, but it is good, right? my stresses include homework, little tiny lists of things to do, headaches from trying on a zillion pairs of glasses, lack of sleep. these are not killers. these may chisel away at me like i am a marble sculpture, but they will not kill me. when i am 80, 90, 102 (if i live to be a hundred and two...), i will have this strangely shaped self from these little stresses and the many ways i chose to handle them - most importantly, to breathe, to know what makes me happy and also what makes me miserable. to walk away from the things that make me miserable (such as shopping and designer eyeglasses) and to head off in search of something that provides fulfillment (like anne lamott books and sara). and stories like this one. and secretly liking these glasses, even if they are a designer brand. clear glasses? come on. i'll either look like a woodshop student, or just plain awesome.

Friday, November 13, 2009

this is my practical thought process

unfortunately, i missed my post yesterday. this is because i have been drowning in homework and working some weird hours, on top of trying to function on very little sleep. the little pickle spent tuesday and wednesday night waking frequently and sobbing about "i don't know, i just want...i don't know. something," falling off the bed, thrashing about and finally settling with "i want to sleep on my mama's knee!!!!" i swear to god, she needs a bed the size of an entire room in order to find her comfy spot. and of course, a mama in the middle with a very convenient (though not at all soft) knee.

so, here i am, with finished homework for one class and much ahead for the second, though the burden is lifted for the moment because my first class was geography, the class with the man i call "asshole professor." the one who grades based on word count rather than content. i just submitted an essay that was exactly 450 words, exactly the limit without having to go back and readjust. this is probably my biggest accomplishment this semester. my children's literature class has a booklist project due soon; if you care to comment with some of your favorite children's books (preferably young adult, maybe 3-8th grades), it would be greatly appreciated. bree fed me dinner and dessert and brett poured me beer while i worked, and i have hereby surrendered my right to complain about a messy house ever again. it is interesting to combine two already well-established lives in one home. as single people moving in together, you have more flexibility and less habit to bend or break. here, we have two functioning families with routines and quirks and though we are the same in many ways, we are also very different.

i'm going to make an art/craft box for grace. what are some things you do with your littles for art projects? i'm trying to find a way around the time-outs and criticism when she has a hard time sharing with lilly. i want to value her own space and identity and allow her to want time to herself, just as we do as adults, and i thought maybe if i gave her something constructive, something she could do with her hands, it would help.

"plan b" by anne lamott is incredible thus far. it is the perfect balance of spirituality with cuss words that makes me feel exactly human enough to not be angry when she mentions god or praying or church. i'm supposed to be writing a research paper about "dear mr. henshaw" by beverly cleary and the benefits (and possible disadvantages, if i can think of any) of journal-writing for children as a coping mechanism...maybe i should start writing to miss anne lamott myself. she is my greatest inspiration, and her books always find their way into my hands when i need them most. she quoted wendell berry this time, when talking about her son's father and the mess of trying to find him, "wendell berry once said, at a coffeehouse in mill valley on a dark, rainy december day, 'it gets darker and darker, and the jesus is born.'" she also calls god a She sometimes and is just so incredibly honest that she nearly makes me want to head out to church and remember that the 99% of what modern american churches do now is not at all what should be done, but that without people like anne, they will never change. most of the time, when christianity comes up in conversation, i get so instantly angry that i can't even form thoughts properly. this is my release.

i bought grace some new (old) rainboots today, that have handles. i wish my rainboots had handles. i kind of want to order some sheepskin shoe inserts or something else warm and fuzzy for mine, and some wool socks for myself and grace.



sorry there aren't any pictures. my creativity has gone to bed, which means i should probably go too.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

for what it's worth



i started this before midnight. it is 11:48. i am well aware that i will not finish this by midnight. i will also have you know that it just took me 4 minutes to wrestle a corkscrew out of a bottle of wine with a picture on it that reminds me of shel silverstein. i've been in a funk the last two days. riding on intuition, always emotionally wrapped up in things. i am not one to keep that to myself.

"mama, it's okay. we're in your bed, in your room," she wraps her arms around my neck and says "mama, i'll hold you. shh. i'll hold you."

today we were busy, we drove out to plymouth and played at the bean, then walked to the library per the little one's request where we did no reading, just playing, and then walked back to the bean where we colored and waited for brittany to call. we had lunch at a place called simple sandwich, it was amazing. went back to brit and eric's and grace passed out two minutes into wall-e and brittany and i chatted about fiber arts, education styles (for both children and adults), life. later, we shared $4.25 pumpkin cheesecake (a slice!) with a dear friend at the bookstore after playing in the kids section for awhile and remembering our favorite books as kids (the mouse and the strawberry, anyone?) and noting illustrations, planning for my booklist, oh! i found a new anne lamott book (well, new to me) for $1.50. "Plan B." i thought it was appropriate. i stopped making those kinds of plans a long time ago.



a few more minutes with a quiet house, grace is in bed now and only the dog is huffing at i'm not sure what. i work early tomorrow. i should be asleep soon.


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

todotodotodo




up too early, maybe 730 instead of the usual 9, two zombies on the couch: one with borrowed roommate's tea and the other with an apple, one of the ten she'll probably ask for today. one cup down, already wanting another. something warm. we're watching super why guy, i think i saw vanessa's son dressed up like him, oh, yes i did. see, i am getting better at this nablopomo, although when i signed up there it brought up a posting window, and i'd really just like to post here.

someone linked me to hel-looks a long time ago, a street style site from helsinki. i love it because it's the only place that street fashion is documented with layers and warmth; wardrobe remix is fun but most people are wearing clothes for weather a little warmer than michigan in november...although, it's been in the 60's, in michigan, in november, and we've been doing yardwork. it's like october flew by and november gracefully took its place, and the sun came along for the ride. either way. more scarves, please.

i just got up for another cup of tea, and when i returned grace said "good morning! did you have a sweet nap?" yes baby, i did, what about you? "yes."

-joanns for chunky yarn and kid craft supplies
-i need a big board for wrapping fabric around to make a diy headboard, or even foamcore...maybe i'll just find an old frame and frame the fabric like a painting.
-still hunting for a dehumidifier and a basement couch or futon
-apples? always more apples.
-visit kate, my wonderful boss, and take her some roasted pecans made special without any sugar. we are so hooked on these, though i haven't tried them without sugar yet. the jar keeps disappearing.
-my new debit card should be arriving - it's hello kitty. i am so excited.
-i really wanted to go to orchid lane today for incense and who knows what else.
-children's literature projects.
-check in with wcc and find out whether or not i actually have to attend in-person orientation.
-i have photoshop cs4 on this putey. i haven't used photoshop in forever. it is getting harder and harder to resist the urge to spend the entire day playing with it, especially now that i can easily upload pictures.
-loving this photostream. i hope to whatever god figure there might be that i have a son someday. or two.
-love the colors here.
-newglassesnewglassesnewglassescontacts must do this asap.
-thinking about hopping onto bench monday...this will be the story of my life, though.
-i kind of love this style. she looks like a doll. i have no idea how to pull this off, but i do have a dress kind of like that.
-grace and i still need proper gardening supplies and i think we may start a basement compost bin.

look what my friend mark made


kitty paw


Monday, November 9, 2009

magic


coffee steam

peppermint, maybe

i trash picked these trays today, a set of 4.
1.
2.

and got this chair on craigslist, please excuse the poor lighting in my room on a gray day.


bree found this mosaic


***
grace is sleeping
blackberry sage tea with a bit of vanilla almond milk
food network
snoring pug
wondering if those who want hats will take cowls instead because i have no motivation to make anything else.


more etsy love.