a review of space and time

sometimes i sift back through old posts, wondering how i got here and what pieces i've let slip through the cracks of my hands along the way. i keep revisiting in my head the early winter mornings, dropping a baby off and then leaving for work, taking the back roads and finding comfort in the space along the sides of the road in case my car slipped on the ice. less traffic meant that i could drive slow, not quite a snail but not reckless, not hurrying down that road. it didn't matter if i was late. down that road, i didn't lose my sense of self in the whirl of the corporate blender despite usually being a few minutes behind and knowing what would happen if i clocked in late, snow or not. i did wonder a lot about what they thought, the hands that held my baby while i worked, i wondered if the flowers i brought were enough or if the thank you cards were heartfelt, enough, enough...and so sometimes i drive down this road to look at the tree that felt like a friend, out there in the field. in the morning, fog settled over the grass and the air was still around me (and my car), and the tree was like a naked scarecrow stuck there in a framable (but frameless) landscape scene. i don't move slow like this anymore, even writing this paragraph is daunting and a little bit suffocating.

i'm finishing my last winter semester of my undergrad. two years ago, i was finishing my first semester back in school. here i am in the space between, one year after that first post. here's a pre-back to school plan...i'm glad i've kept these so i can see the path i've taken. this is from last october, the wants and musings and the present, the "i don't want to be thinking six months out anymore."

and here i am. taking 15 credits, with honors contract work in two of those classes. i am working in the women's resource center, starting a campus parents student org after too many frustrating conversations about the lack of support we have. i consult in the writing center. i will be doing research and honors thesis work next semester. i have several scholarships, one of which magically appeared this morning. i've carried a 4.0 and hope to finish this semester with another. i will apply to grad school, and if all goes as i hope it will, i will have a ga-ship next fall (a mere few weeks after completing my undergrad) and will be teaching and working on an MA while grace attends kindergarten. i am pursuing the dynamics of writing centers, teaching, process and product within the context of academic performance as well as the overall commodification of everything. i'm involved with my daughter's preschool and am able to properly thank and support the individuals and programs who have helped sustain my goals. i am also working to understand gender and sex, and to question the constructs and limitations of marriage, relationships, and family structure. i realize that in many ways, i am privileged. i will, however, work to enable a statistically incapable population so that we can complete our degrees, outline and achieve our goals, and help to form the future (please don't comment on how cliche that sounds. i know).

Then, the cement. And learning again, myself as a person, myself and what a product of the previous 4 years I was. I am still learning this. I am still reconciling sometimes, the chapters of before He was, and after God was, and where We Are Now. Why did I start writing this? Tonight I finished my first semester back. I finished something on my own, something I planned. I have graduated from a necessary state of no-plans-allowed, to slowly being able to not only plan something, but to follow it through. To set a goal, and to do it well.

i can be a superhero without a cape, right? grace drew a picture of herself, me, and her dad, with respective G, M, and D on our shirts.